Wanking

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don't act like you don't know HOWTO do it!


Wanking (or masturbation) is the manual stimulation of the male or female sexual organ, often this is by hand but can be augmented by the use of sex toys such as inflatable sheep, dildos or assorted fruit and vegetables.
Wanking is an enjoyable hobby, often enjoyed in private but can be done in public if discretion is observed.
The first documented case of wanking was by napoleon Bonerpart, who was a habitual masturbator - paintings of the french military commander often depict him in his favorite "quick shuffle" posture, with his hand inside his shirt stroking his rod. Although it is know that his penis came up to his chest, it is unclear as to wether he was increadibly well endowed, or just a short arse.


Advanced techniques may include:

  • Using a lubricant such as cooking oil, butter or axle grease
  • squeezing the testicles mid-stroke
  • using two balloons filled with warm water and covered in whipping cream as a masturbation aid
  • using the left hand (if you are right handed)
  • talking dirty to your little friend (e.g. "suffer, biaaaaaaach!", etc) and/or slapping it around
  • instead of the legacy up/down-method, why not try 'roll your own', like making fire by rolling a stick
  • The enjoyment of wanking can be (and is often) enhanced by watching pornography

synonyms (male): wanking, masturbation, bashing the bishop, polishing the rod, flogging the pork sword, fapping, choking the chicken, stroking the salami, shuffle, making some knuckle porridge, burping the baby, shaking hands with the ambassador of Love, compiling, searching for paint in the shed.

synonyms (female): wanking, masturbation, fingering, fingerdipping, stroking the satin.

Medical implications

Much research has been done on the topic of wanking, mostly by sexually frustrated teens in their parents cellar, but also by some noteable figures in the scientific establishment. Whilst folklore would have us believe that it can cause blindness (among other things) this is entirely false, and studies show that wanking can relieve stress and boredom, mediate anxieties and cure cancer.